Since my day 1 a month ago, I haven’t actually been paid and I didn't have any money to ‘play with’. I’ve now been paid and this puts me into ‘danger zone’. For the last month I’ve felt pretty rubbish, but I didn’t have to flight the urge to gamble, because I physically couldn’t.
In the last month I’ve received plenty of things that remind me of my mistakes, and highlight just how much trouble I’m in. I had 2 letters early in the month which reduced my credit limits by the exact amount I had paid off (the minimum amounts). I received further letters to say all of my interest rates are increasing as I’m a ‘high risk’ creditor. And further letters then came to say I’m over my overdraft limit (because of interest charged on the accounts where my credit limits were reduced), and that I was being charged a fee. I received some final demands for payment for my council tax. And there were various things friends were doing that I couldn’t take part in, because I literally had no money. One night my friends ordered takeaway, and as I couldn’t afford it, I managed to nab a free prawn cracker and have some left over pizza! Plenty of things to remind me of my mistakes, but also of the trouble I’m in. And when you’ve had all these reminders, all these ‘triggers’, there’s a large temptation to want to win back all your money and solve your problems in the short-term. Why?! Well no one wants to be in debt. No one wants to admit that gambling beat them, especially if you’re an action gambler with experiences of big wins. But also it feels like there’s no other way out. The debt is so huge, there are so many reminders, so many bills you can’t physically pay, that the long-term view tends not to exist in our minds. It’s so easy to focus on the short-term. The winning back your money right now. And that’s the danger. I’ve learnt this the hard way. I’ve tried at least 50 times to win back my money. And ultimately it’s failed – hence why I’m here writing this today. I need to remember that the long-term approach is the only approach. That it’s going to be hard. And for a while it really will seem that I’m not paying anything off and that I’m still in a mess. But the mess was of my making, and I’ve now (hopefully!) accepted that gambling won’t fix all my issues. As such, I’ve used all of my pay check to pay off a tiny proportion of my debts. I hope I’ve changed my frame of mind, such that I would never turn back to gambling this money on anything. But just in case I do have the urge, I no longer have the means. I don’t think this is sustainable in the long-run, I need a deeper changing in my beliefs and thought process. To put another way, I need a genuine desire to change the urge, want or ‘need’ to gamble. Depriving myself can’t be a long-term answer, but it’s a start. And it’s about taking these baby steps. It’s about time. And in time, hopefully, I’ll be in a better place. So, it’s been a while since my last post. Well, a few days and the weekend. I’ve been keeping busy – a few things have come up in both work and personal life. Whilst it’s kept me busy, it’s also been hard to deal with at times. Lots of pressure. Lots of things going wrong, or all happening at the same time.
I’ve said keeping busy is good for me, because when I have time, this can contribute to me starting gambling again – it can be a catalyst for other trigger cues, or a rigger cue itself. I’m not entirely sure myself. All I know, is that keeping busy is good for me right now! I mentioned as well as being busy, so things haven’t quite gone to plan, especially in personal life. This can happen to everyone – I’m not suggesting I’m the only one with other problems aside my gambling. But interestingly I haven’t wanted to turn to gambling as a temporary fix to my other issues. Or, as I explored in a previous entry, I’m not trying to be an ‘escapist gambler’. I very much fit in the action camp of gamblers. I know the poll results were split, so you may not all be able to relate directly to my thoughts on wanting to win big, rather than escaping other personal issues, but I do believe there’s some common ground. I’ve been having a few interesting conversations over my e-mail recently with followers of my blog. The action vs escapist differentiation has been questioned. And rightly so; at least to a certain extent. The reason I say this is because one could lead to another. I started out on my ‘gambling road to destruction’ through big early wins, which gave me confidence that I could win more and more in the future. No matter the losses, I clinged on to the hope I could win it back. Gamble my way out of trouble. As you would’ve seen from previous blogs, I’m at my lowest when the realisation that I can’t win that money back sets in – when I have no money at all left. Once I’ve lost my last bet. This could quite easily then turn to me being an escapist gambler. I’m in so much trouble, sometimes I want to forget my troubles that I turn to gambling to keep me distracted. But, for me that never happened. I haven’t become an escapist gambler. Not really. At the heart I know what has drawn me back in the past is the lure of a big win, rather than using it as a method of escape or distraction. It’s important to know what type of gambler you are – I believe that’s central to admitting your problems, but also identifying trigger cues, and how then to help prevent yourself from gambling in the future. So I ask again – what type of gambler are you? If you don’t know, ask yourself why you started gambling in the first place to get your answer. If you try to answer why you gamble now, if you’re a long way down the wrong road like I am, then it’s very easy for the lines to get blurred. In MY Opinion - I've had some great e-mails recently where people have really been able to relate to my blog. They share similar feelings and by following my journey, it's also helping others. At the same time, I've had some survey responses which say this blog has not been useful for people. This is completely fine - we all have different through processes, different reactions to things, and as such I don't expect everyone to be able to relate to my blog. However, I'd like to ask a favour. For those of who that clearly have a different thought process, or who are looking for something else, please can you let me know your thoughts?
I've approached my gambling addiction in the past in MY way. I assume my way is the best way. Probably partly because I have trust in my own thought process or ways of dealing with things, but partly because I don't know how else to deal with something. If you think in a different way, deal with things in a different way, or are looking for something else to help you through your journeys, please do share your thoughts! This can help give a new perspective. It can help us to realise there could be another way to deal with things, and for some of us a new way is exactly what we need - especially where we've tried OUR way in the past, only to end up back gambling. Survey - For those of you who have asked me questions via the survey, unfortunately I have no direct way of getting in contact with you. Please drop me an e-mail if you have any specific questions. Frequency of Blogs & E-mails - I try to post a couple of blog postings each week. Unfortunately, with work and various other interests (which I took up, and now focus on, to try to distract me from wanting to gamble!) I don't have the time to post everyday. I do try to respond to all e-mails I receive through this site, and post on a couple of other gambling forums too, so please feel free to drop me a note if you have any questions or comments that you don't want to share publicly through the blog / forum comments. In addition, I'm trying to research a few things to do with psychology (why do we gamble in the first place, why do we continue, how can we successfully stop / what are the psychological barriers?) and also gambling regulation. The research and write up take some time to do. If there's anything that you're interested in me researching on, please do let me know. I have tried to include things to date in blogs to address people's suggestions to date. Donations - I have set up a Paypal donation button on my site. I would like to upgrade to a website, which will allow me to include a forum, or at least include the ability for you to 'subscribe' to the blog. This means you can be notified when I post new blogs or make any changes to the site. I'm not realistically expecting any donations, given the struggles we're all in. But if I do receive any, I'll set up a new page which will note what donations have been received, along with the name of the donator (or call the donator 'anonymous' if they'd prefer), and then set out what I'm spending that donation on. I know it's easy to distrust a gambler, but I'd like to be fully transparent and only spend the money on what I said I will. I will return to some more of my feelings in the next blog, and keep off the admin! I guess maybe I could always include this on a FAQ page in due course! In my last blog, I mentioned how I was able to rationalise my decisions to convince myself I was doing the right thing. I appreciate we may not all think this way, but it was certainly true for me. I just didn't realise it until I was in a whole heap of trouble. I wanted to give a few real life of examples, from myself but also from people that have e-mailed me from my blog, which really accentuate just how much we can rationalise irrationality, but also how we can focus on short-term returns, rather than playing the 'long game'. When I'm running low on money, I focus on what the return from a bet will be relative to my starting amount - I've put in £1,000 this month and only have £200 left. I need to at least get back to £1,000. Please. I tell myself I'll stop when I get to £1,000. I made a mistake. I just need my money back. I'll therefore focus on the returns. Winning £50 off my £200 won't get me there. I'd need to at least double my money. If I can do that, I'll have more money which I can play slightly safer with - e.g. the more money I have, although the odds may be safer, I'll have a bigger return because I have more money to bet on it in the first place. But I need that 'double your money or more bet' to start with. Sounds irrational to me now - I'm more likely to lose all my money. The whole £200 trying to win £500, rather than having £250 with the safer bet. But I rationalised that irrationality whilst betting. And we all know that if I had reached that £1,000, I'd change the goalposts. I'd rationalise by saying 'hey, one more win and I'll take out my £1,000 and use what I have left to win more'. That never happens. I used to bet a lot on tennis. And when I say used to, I stopped 11 days ago, so not all that long ago really. Tennis games usually happened throughout the day, but didn't go too far into the evening. This caused me a problem whether I won or lost during the day. - if I won, I'd feel I had some 'free money' to use; and - if I lost, I'd feel I need to win back my money ASAP. Win back my money so I have something to use my money on tomorrow for the tennis. The whole 'I can play safer odds if I have more money' idea So, because I was so focused on winning my millions in one day (winning back my losses), I started to bet in the evening. And I started to bet on things I knew nothing about. Things that were pure speculation. I bet on Iraqi football matches. On basketball. On baseball. Ice hockey. Volleyball. Futsal. Badminton. Golf. Motor Sports. I didn't really know enough about any of these things. But as I rationalised above, I needed to keep betting whether I was up or down. I used to play the odds. Go for the 'safe bet'. I put an accumulator on all the 'safe' bets to get a slightly bigger return. I would win all bets of the accumulator, apart from the 'safest' of bets. That bet you might as well not have even put on because it made no difference at all to the overall return. On basketball, I lost a bet with odds of 1/150. A 0.6% return. £100 would return £100.60. 60p return. Albeit I actually bet over £5,000 on this match. I also bet over £5,000 on an Iraqi football match. The on-line markets for football usually give a naturally better return than for other spots. I used to be on tennis, especially the men in open's, because they were more consistent with their performances. Football can be affected more-so by a bad decision, a bit of luck, a harsh red card, one moment of magic, and so forth. So at odds of 2/5, I was going with the clear favourite to win the match. I would win back around £2,000 on top of my stake. My team went on to lose 4-0. When you go through a losing streak, you further rationalise riskier bets, and in the very short-term you end up spiralling out of control. In this moment it's very easy to lose all of your money, and all of your possessions. My advice would be to recognise when you're doing this, and stop. How we all do that, I have no idea. I haven't managed that yet. Maybe it's not possible....not possible unless you stop gambling completely, which is now what I'm striving for. It appears I'm not alone in my way of thinking. One guy messaged me who had saved for a house deposit, but due to the purchase falling through, was sat on a large sum of cash. He thought he could double this through gambling. After some losses, he bet his last £2,000 on a basketball match he knew nothing about. So caught up in the moment, he was able to rationalise why betting on a match he knew nothing about was a good idea. He lost the bet. Has anyone else found themselves betting on something they knew nothing about, or betting on long odds, because at the time they've felt like they HAD to do it, even though on reflection they knew it was the wrong thing to do? This can be applied to both winning and losing. In hindsight, I've put some crazy bets on that I've won, but I know that I only did this through rationalising an irrational decision. Let me know your thoughts below: I was recently talking to one of my close friends about gambling and my struggles. He finds it hard how people can make such 'irrational decisions'. Naturally, irrationality will be hard to understand for a rational person. Yet personality tests show that I'm a strong rational / logical thinker, so how is it that I can make irrational decisions?
By irrational, I mean that I continue to bet even though at the end I know I'll lose. I could be up £1,000 or £100,000 in a week, but fast forward a month, I know I would've lost all that money. So to continue betting, when you know based on past experience you're going to lose, doesn't really seem to make sense on the face of it. Whenever I start betting I start as a completely level-headed guy. I have modest targets. I may start with £1,000, and if I win £500 with it, that's enough to stop. Why? Because it pays for that one 'unpayable' bill this month. It covers the interest on a credit card, so I feel better about my gambling debt, because this month it's like I'm not in trouble or paying interest - all because of this additional 'free' money I've been able to win. That's my rationale for gambling. Well, that and the fact that I think I'm going to win the bet. And we must all think that...I mean, no one puts on a bet on knowing 100% they're going to lose. Fast forward a few bets - let's say a few wins, and all of a sudden I found I've exceed my targets. I may now be up to £2,000 including my original stake. Great...made £1,000 profit. But in my mind I know that I've blown £100,000 of my own savings, and god knows how much profit made from previous betting phases. I start to think more about my losses, and the debt that I'm in. £2,000 is merely a splash in the ocean. I need an awful lot more money to make a dent in my debt, to make a difference. I start to focus on the next bet and the returns. On this basis, that sure bet that win's me a 10% return, doesn't really seem worth it. I need to double my money. So because I'm focussing on wiping out my debt all in one go, rather than thinking 'every little helps', I've set myself up for a fall. I've rationalised why it's okay to take a more risky bet. Why it's okay to keep gambling. To keep betting. Now for any rational person, you'd think 'hey, I'm in trouble. I'm struggling to pay the bills. If someone offered me an extra £1,000 this month to pay some bills, if I find £1,000 in the street, then I'd take it. I'd use it wisely. It'd help me this month with my debt'. Makes complete sense right? So now let's apply the rationale that I use when gambling - with my thought process, I'd turn down that £1,000. I'd say well hey, that's not enough. It won't make a difference. If I make £50,000 then that might make a difference. So I need to work towards £50,000. Anything less doesn't seem worth it. When I'm gamble free, or when I've lost my last bet, I know the £1,000 was a good opportunity and it would really help. But I lose my sense of rationality when gambling, without realising it. You find when gambling you become over confident, and this over confidence allows you to rationalise things in your mind. you convince yourself you're doing the right thing, and that it makes sense. You therefore rationalise your irrationality, and convince yourself you're making a rational choice. Of course this isn't true. No matter what I do, I always fall into this same trap. And that's how I know that no matter what I do, even if I am lucky with a few bets, in the long run I'm never going to come out with more money. The only thing I'll have more of is debt. Debt and disappointment. For me, I've learned this the hard way. For those following my blog, I'd urge you to think back in time about how much you've put in, and how much you ultimately come out with. Sure, I've been up at times and withdrawn this from my betting account. I've used it to pay off some credit card amounts. But fast forward a few days, weeks or months, and that credit I paid off ultimately ends up back in my betting account. And with time, my betting account, and my bank account, show the dreaded £0! As mentioned, when gambling you'll be able to rationalise your decisions. You'll look back to past wins and think you can win again, and that you just need to be more disciplined and take money out when you hit your target. That you promise you'll never put this back in your gambling account once you've withdrawn it. But how often has this happened? Extend the period you're looking at and how much are you 'up' overall? I had to take a good hard look at myself and think about my losses. No matter what I did, what I told myself, what I thought I would do differently this time, it never happened. Only by thinking about this can I accept I won't win my money back through gambling. And that hurts. It hurts because I thought I was good at gambling. Didn't my past huge wins show that? The wins where the odds were massively against me but I won convincingly? Well my bank account balance shows the true story. The black and white. Not all the other things I tell myself to make myself feel better. I now accept I can't win back my money gambling, and only by really understanding and believing that, can I reach the next step in my recovery. I received an e-mail yesterday from a young man in a similar situation to myself, and he mirrored lots of my own thoughts. For example, that sometimes it's very easy to feel like you're alone when you're in trouble through gambling, and that blogs or forums are a great way of being able to connect with people who are in a similar situation.
For me, these blogs or forums are great because they do two things: 1. they allow you to see you're not alone in this; lot's of people are in a similar position and we've all made mistakes. The forums/blogs allow us to talk to other like-minded people who can understand what we're going through; and 2. posting something on the forum is an achievement in itself; it's important that we're able to put down on paper that we have made a mistake and want to avoid making that same mistake in the future. Point 2 is especially interesting because I have gone through several stages in my recovery. I would summarise them as follows. Stage 1 - Annoyed about my losses, wanted to win my money back, thought I could do this on next pay day Stage 2 - Even more annoyed about my combined losses. Driven by chasing losses. Thought in the back of my mind that I could lose money with next month's pay, but past wins gave me confidence I could win it back. Stage 3 - Lost all my money again. Lots of debt. Knew I needed to stop, but thought I could deal with this on my own. No one else needed to know. I thought I could handle it on my own and be okay. Stage 4 - Relapsed once much. Once I lost my last bet I was disappointed, upset and scared because of debt levels. Looked for online help. Spoke to an advisor on GamCare for one day. After that, went back to the thought that I could deal with it on my own. Stage 5 - Relapsed again. One day of talking about my losses clearly wasn't enough and I couldn't deal with it completely on my own. Told my close friends about my problems. Started a diary in Excel of days I was gamble free. Stopped updating it daily. Stage 6 - Another relapse. Decided I needed further help. Spoke to more friends but realised I needed to keep some kind of diary to capture my thoughts to really remind me of the feelings at the low point, and that I needed to take it a day at a time. Turned to the gambling help forums, and also set up this blog. Hopefully there will be no stage 7 if I can stay gamble free!! But as you can see, I've been through a number of relapses. Whilst I haven't been able to stop completely, I have learned something from each relapse and tried to do something different as a result. I spoke about this in my last blog entry - whilst a relapse on the face of it isn't the best thing, as long as you learn something from it you'll become stronger and take a positive step towards achieving your goal. A relapse is not always the end. Hopefully you've seen that many of us are in the same position with our gambling. Whilst our personal lives or debt levels will not be identical, we share the problem of having made mistakes with gambling, mistakes we want to avoid making in the future. So if one person can become gamble free, can't we all? Let me share some words with you from someone who has managed to turn their life around with a lot of hard work and focus "I have many new interests and pastimes and my life is richer, more rewarding and challenging because of them. In return I have given up one thing that only ever stole from me. I thought gambling gave me the thrill and excitement that everyday life lacked...I certainly got that round the wrong way". In 5 years I hope to be able to share a similar story. It'll take time, and honestly at the moment I feel like I'm in too much debt and too much trouble to ever get there. But take the above as inspiration. Take it a day at a time, and we'll be closer to our common goal. It has been estimated that 50 to 75 percent of gamblers resume gambling after attempting to quit (N. M. Petry et al., 2006). In my last blog I talked about ‘trigger cues’ being a key cause of us relapsing. I haven’t found any research that gives a definitive list of ‘trigger cues’. They appear to be personal to all of us. One of the reasons I asked about what type of gambler you are in the previous blog, is because this can affect what type of ‘trigger cues’ affect you. It’s likely that if you’re an escape gambler, you’ll be most affected by emotional trigger cues. Something that reminds you of what you were trying to escape from by gambling in the first place is likely to be a key trigger cue. If you’re an action gambler, you’re more likely to be affected by thought cues. For example, by thinking about what you could have done with your money, when you’ll be out of debt, or maybe what the next big win WOULD be IF you decided to gamble again. As an action gambler, and because I’ve relapsed a number of times, I’ve started to see a pattern in my trigger cues. I used to bet a lot on tennis, and whenever there’s a major championship, I find myself with an urge to gamble again. This urge comes about because I THINK I know what bets will come in. Because I’ve placed some ‘fake bets’ in my head already by saying who I think will win a match. When it then comes true, I’m more compelled to put some money in a betting account and start gambling again. Once that happens we know the rest! Another trigger cue can simply be time. If the day I get paid I have a few hours to spare, being on my own, sometimes I then get an urge to bet. Not necessarily through boredom. Bu because I think it gives me more time to think about and realise the debt I’m in. Once you start thinking and focussing on debt, you then want to get out of that debt ASAP. Or at least I do. And getting myself debt free should naturally be a long-term thing. Paying off cards bit by bit as I get paid. But the more I think about the debt, the more I want to take a short-cut and try to ‘gamble’ my way out of the problem that gambling got me into! So for me, whenever a major tennis championship is on, I know I need to do a number of things. Stop watching the tennis – which I won’t be able to do. Stop thinking about who is going to win – again I probably can’t do this. So, I know to keep busy, I know to use my money to pay off debts on the day I’m paid so I have no floating cash to play with, and now I’ve documented my main urge, I know how to recognise it and hopefully increase my chances of stopping the relapse! Some other tips to avoid relapses are: - to find other things to do, other interests that will take your mind off gambling - to concentrate on the consequences, for example the feeling of letting yourself and other down and the lost money that results from gambling. See my post ‘that sinking feeling…’ for a visual representation of how I feel following gambling. I’ll use this going forward as my visual guide / reminder - to find strength in others – which is what I’m doing through this blog, through others, and through support groups Remember that if you relapse, don't beat yourself up over it. Think about why you relapsed, and think about what you'll do differently next time. Learn something from your relapse. Very often we all relapse a number of times, but as long as you take or learn something from it, it can be an important step in your recovery! Let me amplify the above thoughts with a quote: "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts". I will also include this, for now, on my quote of the day page. Let's take strength from it and never give up. So, what are your trigger cues? And what are you going to do to prevent relapses in the future? Let me know in the comments section or send me an e-mail! One of the biggest problems with gambling is stopping. To be able to just one day say ‘no more’, and to carry through with that promise. After the years I’ve said this many times, but to date I’ve never been able to get myself gambling free. It’s important to understand why we gamble in the first place. Without understanding the underlying motivation to gamble, it’s hard to identify the right path to becoming gamble free. In basic terms there are two types of gambler; the action gambler and the escape gambler. The escape gambler may gamble for relief or escape from other problems. To use gambling as a distraction from problems at home or at work. They are likely to be slightly older than action gamblers, and can be reluctant to give up gambling in the fear that they will not be able to confront the pain of outside pressures. The action gambler can be addicted to the thrill, think they can beat the odds or identify themselves as a skilled competitor with high paying wins. I’ve you’ve won big in the past, and commonly cite this win or think you can achieve that win again, you’re likely to be an action gambler. This is me. In the survey, someone asked me to look into personality traits for gamblers. I do plan to do look into this in a future blog / area of research, but hopefully the above classification gives an introduction. In the following chart, if you’re an escape gambler you’re likely to take the route down the right hand side, and if you’re an action gambler you’re likely to take the route down the left. Being able to recognise which type of gambler you are is important in helping to stop gambling and prevent relapses. Research shows that ‘trigger cues’ increase the risk of relapse (Marlatt and George, 1984). If an addict comes into contact with trigger cue of substance after a period of abstinence, they have a classical conditioning of association with that trigger, making them more likely to relapse. In my next blog I’d like to look more closely at trigger cues, relapses, and what we can do to avoid them or at least decrease the likelihood of relapses occurring. In the meantime, please do let me know what type of gambler you think you are in the following poll: Some people say gambling is only a problem when you’re losing, but to me this statement isn’t true. Gambling can be a problem even when you’re winning, although you may not yet know it. If you’ve been drawn in to gambling, you enjoy the thrill or it’s a distraction from something else, then in my view it doesn’t matter if you’re winning or losing. You’re hooked. And I’m testament to the fact that no matter how much you win, you can lose it very quickly. I mainly bet on sports through various online gambling sites. There’s so many offers when you open an account – be it a ‘risk free’ bet (returned stake if you lose), a matched first deposit, or even just a completely free bet where no deposit is required. My gambling journey started with me opening a number of these online accounts. I thought I was quite sensible about it; I maximised the free bets available from a number of sites, and after the first bet, I then withdrew my initial deposit. This let me with any winnings from the first bet or a risk free bet / matched deposit bet from the account offers. No matter what happened, I wouldn’t be any worse off. And it all started so well. I was up about 500% on the amount I put in originally (and which I subsequently withdrew). I withdrew some of my winnings, but looking back, I was already hooked. Hooked to making a quick buck. Hooked to getting bets right and ‘beating the house’. Hooked to the thrill of a close winning bet. Around 7 years ago I remember losing £1,000 of my own money through gambling. I was trying to win back my winnings. This had failed, and eventually I found myself trying to win back my losses. I lived with my parents at the time, and told them about my loss because I felt so crap about all the money I’d lost. Rightfully, they gave me a hard time, and their stern words and the disappointment I saw in their eyes was enough to make me stop…for a while. After a short break, I then started gambling again. Not much. Not getting into debt. Losing money still, but losing money that I could just about afford to lose. The more and more I lost, the more I wanted to win it back. Chasing my losses really started to set in. Fast forward a good 5 years, and after more sustained losses, I finally went on a winning streak. I started with around £1,800, and I remember telling myself that if I get to £2,500 I’ll stop. Then £5,000. Then £7,500. And so it continued…I wanted to win more and more. I was so focused on winning back my losses before as my motivation for gambling, or at least that’s what I thought. But when push came to shove, I continued to gamble. I was hooked to winning. It was more than just about winning back my losses. Within one week (of very intensive gambling – at least 18 hours a day, including setting my alarm for 3am/4am to wake up to bet on matches I thought I had a chance on!), I had turned this initial £1,800 into over £500,000. At this point, I was withdrawing money from my account. One day that week, I phoned my mortgage provider to ask to pay off my mortgage. I was told I needed a formal letter sent to me with the calculated repayment costs. This was fine – my mortgage with heavy repayment fees was about half of the money I had in my account. By the time the letter arrived, I didn’t quite have enough to repay, I’d had some huge losses. When you win a lot, betting sites tend to limit the size of your bets quite a lot, so the maximum I could bet on the majority of matches was around £1,000. Not enough to easily win back the extra £20,000 I needed to repay my mortgage. But, one game with even odds allowed me to bet a large amount. I therefore decided to bet the majority of money I had left, in fear I wouldn’t be able to win back enough on other games if my bet sizes continued to be restricted. Of course, I went on to lose this bet (more details of which are in ‘the man behind the journey’ section of my blog). I also had invested some of the money in the stock market, and in premium bonds during that time. As the losses started coming in, I then sold these to fund my attempt to win back my money. Any money I could get my hands on then went into betting as I was so caught up in the vicious gambling circle. Although a very personal story, I wanted to take you through my own brief journey of despair, ecstasy, and then ultimate despair once again. Looking back on this, knowing the trouble I’m in, I would absolutely say if I could go back in time I’d stop when I was up a significant amount of money. Maybe even when I could repay half my debt. But deep down I now know that I’d do exactly the same thing again. I was so caught up in gambling that I was able to rationalise anything. Have spoken to a few of you guys and having seen the comments in the survey, I know some of you have a similar feeling. It’s like you’re a different person when you’re gambling. And it doesn’t matter who you are; there have been comments from professionals with PhD’s, hedge fund managers, even company CEO’s who have been through the same thing. Gambling affects us all, and we’re never going to win back our losses through gambling. Gambling can’t be the answer, no matter how much we want that to be true. In summary, it was the ‘winning’ feeling that got me hooked to gambling. That gave me the idea that with a ‘bit more luck’ I’d be able to win more bets. That eventually I’d be successful. But it was that ‘winning’ feeling that got me hooked to gambling. To make me act irrationally. To be overly optimistic. And ultimately to be in over £100,000 of debt. Whenever I talk to people about gambling, unless they’ve gone through it themselves, they find it hard to understand how you can run up such debt without ever stopping. Effectively, why do you continue to chase your losses, when ultimately you know you’re going to lose? I say ‘lose’ because at some point, eventually, you will end up with nothing. Let me take you through some of my own thoughts when gambling. This will help me document my pattern of behaviour, and hopefully if I ever get the urge in the future, I can recognise this behaviour and stop before it’s too late. Whenever I start gambling again, I think I know what matches were going to come in. I think I’m quite sensible about it; I use my extensive knowledge of certain sports (gained through gambling for the past 7 years) and make a risk-return based calculation. The odds may look long, but I may know from a previous game someone looked out of form, had a small injury or the match up favours one person, irrespective of, for example, their world rankings. And in general, I win the first few bets. I’m always up. And I always take part of this money out of my account. I tell myself that I won’t put that money back in. I’ll use my winnings, and I won’t be any worse off if I lose those winnings. Inevitably, those winnings go. I’m so focussed on trying to win back ALL of my losses, or enough to pay off ALL of my debts in one go. Then I need to put some more money back in, with the view that if I win a few games, I’ll have some more ‘risk-free’ money to play with again. I start to rationalise it. I won a few games, don’t worry, it’ll happen again. It’s not a real bet, or it’s not gambling, if you know you’re going to win. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. That’s how I rationalise my continued gambling. Despite all my debts, I continue to have an overly optimistic view. But when you lose the first few bets, you find yourself desperately needing money to win back your ‘real losses’. There are no ‘risk-free’ bets anymore. You’re playing to win back the money you put in, which you only put in to try to win back all your previous losses. It’s a vicious circle, and once you’re caught up in it it’s very hard to get out of. I would know. Because I’m successful a few times, with my initial bets, I continue to think that I just need a bit more ‘luck’. That if I wasn’t unlucky on a few close games or a few points/goals going against me, then I could be sitting on a decent amount of money. I tell myself that when I get to a certain amount, I’ll stop. I won’t bet anymore. But I never do. I get greedy. I always want more. Once I lose all my money, I then take a different view. I think ‘oh, why didn’t I just stop when I had some money? Why did I keep gambling? I had enough money to pay the mortgage this month, even if it wasn’t enough to pay the minimum payment on my credit cards. It’s a start.’ But this pattern of thinking comes post loss. Never pre loss. And whilst I continue to think in this way, I now realise that I’m never going to win back my money through gambling. To put this in another way, gambling isn’t going to solve my gambling problem. Once you’re in debt through gambling, I think it’s somewhat natural you’ll try to win this back through gambling, which is why it’s so dangerous and addictive. After all, if you weren’t successful at gambling at some point, then it’s unlikely you’d think you could win back your losses / win more money. And when you’re in debt from gambling, EVERYTHING is a reminder of the loss you’re in. The credit card statements and bank statements that come through the door. The final demands for payment. The declined cards when you’re trying to do your weekly shop or pay for petrol. The chasing phone calls. The sport that’s on TV. Your friends who talk about their sensible £10 bets. I could go on and on. I believe this pressure is always there, sometimes consciously, but always subconsciously. And it’s this pressure that makes you rationalise your gambling. I need to force myself to think in a different way. That my money this month may only pay back £10 of debt. That interest takes up the rest. That I still can’t meet that final demand for payment by the deadline. But that’s certainly better than losing all of my money where I’m unable to pay anything. Where I’m in more trouble. And where it becomes easier to rationalise even more gambling to win back the increased losses. For those of you who haven’t got to this stage, please use my mistakes and experiences as a guide. Some people say gambling is only a problem when you’re losing. If you’re addicted to gambling – be it addicted to the buzz of being right, of winning a large amount of money, or simply the adrenaline rush that gambling can give you – it’s still a huge problem. I say this because what happens when the luck runs out, and when you start losing? I’ll take you through my personal journey of my biggest loss in the next blog. |
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