Christmas is always a tough time of year for those dealing with a gambling addiction; usually because there’s no money in the bank, no spare amounts on credit cards, overdue bills to pay, yet you’re expected to join in for work drinks, buy Christmas presents, and be a little indulgent. I remember last year was a real struggle; I have around 15 to 20 credit cards, and the most I had spare on any of them was less than £5. Therefore I couldn’t actually buy anyone what they put on their Christmas lists – I had to buy various small items. Really annoying when places run promotions where you get free delivery or a free gift if you spend a certain amount of money! But now I reflect, and remember that Christmas is about seeing your friends and family and your loved ones. It doesn’t have to be expensive; you can make Christmas cards rather than buying them and you can use old Christmas cards to make wrapping paper, or use an old box and decorate it with pictures & colours. Sure, it’s not traditional, but it actually shows some thought and effort and people always appreciate that. What’s the point in following the crowd, anyway? It’s also easily to feel lonely at Christmas – all your friends might be out for drinks or dinner, but you just can’t afford to go. You can’t afford to go into London to go to the Christmas market, because it’s just too expensive. But why not use that time for your DIY cards/wrapping paper? I find that whilst friends and family will go to some places that’s just too expensive for me to go to, they’re also around at home an awful lot too, I just found myself concentrating on what I can’t do, rather than focussing on what I can. And that’s a small mind-set shift. There’s something called meta-programmes in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), which help explain how we tend to think about situations. We all have a natural way of thinking about things, but we can learn to understand this and tap into it. Take work, for example. If I were to ask you why you work, you may decide to say “because I have to. Because I need the money. To keep a roof over my head”. All very true, and valid, points. But you could also say “because I get to learn new things. I get to try for promotion which gives me a feeling of achievement. I get to socialise and talk to colleagues. I get to test myself and push myself by doing important presentations”. Or maybe simply that you get free coffee and cake. These are two different mind-sets all around the same thing: work. Let’s apply the same thing to Christmas; I always used to dwell on what I couldn’t do, the struggles, how I’d be in a much better position if I hadn’t gambled and didn’t have all of this debt. But why not try to shift this mind-set slightly, by looking at the good things – time to relax, time with family and friends, and possibly a few days off work too. It’s easier said than done, of course, but maybe if you catch yourself looking at the negative side of things, you could make a subtle change in your way of thinking and it may just make this period a whole load easier! Scroll down the page a little bit, and you’ll see I set myself a challenge of not gambling for 24 months – with good reasons and the best intentions. I’m a fair chunk of the way through that 24 months now, but my clock reset, and I’m back trying to build up the number of months I’ve been gamble free! In my most recent post, I said about taking things one step at a time – setting small, achievable goals that all contribute towards a bigger ambition. Clearly my approach back in 2016 was at odds with what I’m trying to do now! And it seems like a very small change, a change where you’re still trying to achieve the same end goal, but in your mind you focus on a shorter, rather than a longer, period. Can this really work?! Your mind is an incredibly powerful tool; it’s what got us addicted to gambling in the first place. And we got addicted from an initial bet, or some initial success. At that stage we never thought we’d end up where we are. And your subconscious has a lot to answer for – that part of the brain that’s making decisions and pointing us in a certain direction without us necessarily knowing it. I quite enjoy running (well I enjoy the feeling after I’ve finished, more so than when I’m actually running!), and some of you may be able to relate to this analogy… Whenever I’m running, I’ll usually set myself an overall goal. This could be to run a certain distance, which for me is to run say 5k or 10k, but you may also want to run a half marathon or a marathon. Or you may also have a time goal; to run for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, or maybe for 1 hour. When I’m actually running, I try to put all of my effort into it and see it as an objective to run faster or farther than before, and as such there are various points during the run where I think how nice it’d be to just stop! However, what keeps me going is that I break the run down into small achievable parts. If I’m running 20 minutes, I aim to get to 5 mins, and then from there to run 3 more mins to 8 mins, and then get to 12 mins, 15 mins, 18 mins and then finally to 20 mins. I break down my run into small achievable parts; I don’t think about the 20 minutes necessarily – I know I need to get there, but my goals are to reach the next milestone. By doing this, I can focus on just a few minutes, and once I achieve that, I then focus on the next few minutes. Small, realistic, achievable goals. I never think about the 20 minutes; when I’m running and get to 5 minutes, if I think that there are still 15 minutes to go and I’m out of breath, it’s really hard to keep going. But if I tell myself the next milestone is 3 minutes away, and keep building it up that way, it really helps me. It appears the same is true for gambling; instead of working out how many months I need or want to be gamble free, I’m focusing on small, achievable parts. My next goals is to reach the end of November, and thereafter my goal is to focus on reaching the 17th December (5 month gamble free anniversary), and then to reach Christmas. Sure, I’d love to be gamble free for 10 years or more, and by then I may be out of debt, but I’m not thinking that far ahead. It’s too far away and brings negative or unwelcome thoughts. These more achievable goals I’ve been setting are helping me bit by bit, little by little, and I hope they may help you too. Please do share with me your own reflections; what you’ve learned from relapses and how you may be doing things differently this time. All the best, AGJ |
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