Since my day 1 a month ago, I haven’t actually been paid and I didn't have any money to ‘play with’. I’ve now been paid and this puts me into ‘danger zone’. For the last month I’ve felt pretty rubbish, but I didn’t have to flight the urge to gamble, because I physically couldn’t.
In the last month I’ve received plenty of things that remind me of my mistakes, and highlight just how much trouble I’m in. I had 2 letters early in the month which reduced my credit limits by the exact amount I had paid off (the minimum amounts). I received further letters to say all of my interest rates are increasing as I’m a ‘high risk’ creditor. And further letters then came to say I’m over my overdraft limit (because of interest charged on the accounts where my credit limits were reduced), and that I was being charged a fee. I received some final demands for payment for my council tax. And there were various things friends were doing that I couldn’t take part in, because I literally had no money. One night my friends ordered takeaway, and as I couldn’t afford it, I managed to nab a free prawn cracker and have some left over pizza! Plenty of things to remind me of my mistakes, but also of the trouble I’m in. And when you’ve had all these reminders, all these ‘triggers’, there’s a large temptation to want to win back all your money and solve your problems in the short-term. Why?! Well no one wants to be in debt. No one wants to admit that gambling beat them, especially if you’re an action gambler with experiences of big wins. But also it feels like there’s no other way out. The debt is so huge, there are so many reminders, so many bills you can’t physically pay, that the long-term view tends not to exist in our minds. It’s so easy to focus on the short-term. The winning back your money right now. And that’s the danger. I’ve learnt this the hard way. I’ve tried at least 50 times to win back my money. And ultimately it’s failed – hence why I’m here writing this today. I need to remember that the long-term approach is the only approach. That it’s going to be hard. And for a while it really will seem that I’m not paying anything off and that I’m still in a mess. But the mess was of my making, and I’ve now (hopefully!) accepted that gambling won’t fix all my issues. As such, I’ve used all of my pay check to pay off a tiny proportion of my debts. I hope I’ve changed my frame of mind, such that I would never turn back to gambling this money on anything. But just in case I do have the urge, I no longer have the means. I don’t think this is sustainable in the long-run, I need a deeper changing in my beliefs and thought process. To put another way, I need a genuine desire to change the urge, want or ‘need’ to gamble. Depriving myself can’t be a long-term answer, but it’s a start. And it’s about taking these baby steps. It’s about time. And in time, hopefully, I’ll be in a better place. Leave a Reply. |
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