Day 2. I’ve been here a lot. Mainly because I tend to relapse and end up back on day 1. In my first blog, I talked about ‘that’ feeling which I get when I lose my final bet. I’m not sure if everyone else is that same, but do you tend to find yourself being overly optimistic? That you believe you’ll find your way out of trouble. That you need to spend that last credit you have on a sure bet as that’ll kick start your revival? In the build up to the last few points in a tennis match, or the last few minutes of a football game, I start to breathe heavily, my heart pumps harder and harder, and I can’t concentrate on anything other than the game (or usually the ‘in-play’ screen on a mobile app, so I’m not even watching the actual game itself!). If the bet comes in, and it’s been a close match, for all of about 10 seconds I’m excited, I’m happy, I’m joyful. But after that, my attention turns to the next bet. On what next to win more money. What I find particularly strange is the feeling for bets that aren’t close, but that I win. The football match that’s a 3-0 win, or the straight sets tennis match where the person I’ve bet on hasn’t even faced a single break point. For these wins, even if it’s a £50,000 win, there’s about half a second of excitement when the final result comes in. But the overarching feeling is neutral. That I knew I was going to win that bet. That I SHOULD have won that bet. No real excitement, no joy. On to the next bet that I must win to be able to pay the bills. To be able to survive. To remind myself of these feelings as a visual representation, I have created the following chart. It’s not based on any formal statistics or anything like that; it’s simply a rough estimate of the ‘power’ of the feelings I go through following different betting outcomes. I define power as the length of time I have the feeling for and how ‘strong’ that feeling it – how does it affect me, overcome me, or how is it able to distract me from other things. I think having no joy, but a horrible sinking feeling for any loss, is self-explanatory. The same is true for the final loss, meaning the last cash or credit you have available to bet. Although any loss is bad, you still feel you can win this back, and therefore when you lose your last bet the realisation of what you’ve done, and that you can’t dig yourself out of the problem, really sets in. For an easy win, the horrible feeling is still greater than the joy. I knew I was going to win, but I HAD to. I HAD to win to pay back some of my debts that I’ve got myself in. I’m still in debt overall, and remembering this means that the joy doesn’t outweigh the sadness. For a close win, I lose focus on everything else. I forget, in part, that I’m in lots of debt. I focus on this one bet. When I win, I’m so happy, so excited, so relieved. And that feeling of relief outweighs the sadness. I think ‘what if’ I had lost. I’d have no money. I wouldn’t be able to pay those bills. Thank you gambling gods for letting this bet come in. But the joy is short lived. For 10 seconds I’d say the above graph is correct. Thereafter, I’m back to thinking about the debt I’m in and the problems I have, and as such, over any long period, this is probably a more true reflection: I wanted to include the visual representations so every time I think about gambling again, I can refer back here, and remember the extent of the low feeling, without having to actually go through it and suffer it again (or at least here's hoping). Does anyone else have similar feelings, or is this just me? Let me know your thoughts below: So, here I am. My first blog. And hopefully the last time I'll ever bet. But I seem to have said the same thing all too often over the past few years.
Again today I got THAT feeling. When the realisation that you lost your last bet sinks in. That you have no money and no access to cash to be able to win back those losses. And then I remembered all those bills I promised to pay this month which I now have nothing left to pay them with. Up until that final loss I always think I’ll be okay. That I’ll win the next bet, and the next one. That I’ll take some money out my account to pay those bills after a couple of wins. But no matter how many bets I win, how much money I win, I always want more. Ultimately the only thing this always leaves me with is nothing. Nothing other than a horrible sinking feeling. A feeling where I just want to be sucked into a hole that I can hide in forever and never come out of. Because if I do, I’ll realise I’ve let down the friends and family that trusted me to never bet again. Those friends that leant their hard earned money for me to pay some of those otherwise unpayable bills. I’ll realise I still have a problem. An addiction. And admitting this problem, whilst an important step, won’t help me pay the pile of unpaid bills that still sit by the door mat. Needless to say, I’ve struggled with a gambling addition over the past few years. Apparently saying that out loud or admitting that to friends or family is supposed to be a step in the right direction. To be able to admit and recognise you have a problem. To want to do something about it. But that hasn’t worked for me. I have a deep belief that I’m able to spot that one bet that everyone has missed, with the odds that will allow me to put down a ‘risk free’ bet. To allow me to meet those interest payments on the credit card this month. To start paying off some of those credit cards or the friends that have lent me money. Whenever I lose, I put this down to the fact I was unlucky. My biggest ever bet, which I lost, I attributed to a spot of bad luck (see ‘The Man Behind the Journey’ section for further details). More than a spot of bad lucky actually…significantly bad luck. My luck had to turn at some point, right? A few years on, I’ve kept the same mentality. That I can win back my money. Or at least enough to pay a few bills. And sometimes I’ve done well. I’ve doubled £100 which would allow me to pay off a few bills. I’ve turned £100 into £1,000 to pay off some credit interest. I’ve even turned £100 into £10,000 on a number of occasions. But no matter how much I go on to win, I’ve always ended up losing it. And because of the few odd wins, I think I can do this every pay day. Every day I have an hour to myself, home alone, with some time to spare. The majority of the time I lose the £100, £200, £1,000 on the first few bets. Even if I do win initially, I need to recognise that no matter what I tell myself, I AM going to lose that money. And that’s the purpose of this first blog entry. To remind myself of that horrible feeling. Of the people I’ve let down – including myself. To put in writing that no matter how much I win, if it’s through gambling, I will always end up losing it. That my belief that I can always win or spot a ‘risk free’ bet is unfounded. That it will take a very long time to pay off my debts naturally – there will be a lot of hard months to come. But that gambling is not, and can never be, the answer to my gambling problem. As logical as the last sentence is, I always fail to remember it… |
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