No one said it's easy to get over gambling. Many of us have been trying over and over again to give up this addiction, but an addiction is exactly what it is. I'm posting this on 30 November, but let's call it 1 December 2015. Day 1 again. I'm going to set myself a target - 24 months gamble free. This won't allow me to be debt free, but it'll certainly help. Why 2 years then? One of my best friends and I had always said we'd go to the 2014 Brazil World Cup. He grew up in Brazil before moving to the UK, where I met him at school. Ever since the World Cup was going to be in Brazil, we said we'd go. He was planning on going with a bunch of Uni mates too, and I was in a good job with a good income, easily saving a thousand pound a month. In theory, I had plenty of money. Living at home, expensing the majority of my food and travel from working away from home, it was easy to save the majority of my pay packet. When my friend spoke to me about booking Brazil, it was in December 2013. Some of his uni friends couldn't afford to fly out to Brazil; the costs for flights and hotels sky rocketed for the World Cup period! But nevertheless, him and another friend were booking flights and tickets, and up he popped on Facebook with the details. At this point I had to break to him, after years of saying we'd do it, I couldn't afford it - I'd turned to gambling, and I was in massive financial trouble. His words back to me were 'you were the one person who I thought would always come because you could afford it'!. I felt I let him down, our friendship down, and I'd missed out on a fantastic opportunity to go and see some of the world, and see where my friend grew up! That was 2 years ago, and here I am still - day 1 again. Letting everyone down, or at least that's what it feels like. So, that's where my 24 months comes from - I can look back 2 years and remember that conversation. Looking forward 2 years, I don't want to be in the same place. I want to be able to say 2 years gamble free. Not debt free, but on the road to recovery, and debt free will come in time. My problem is that I always focus on the wrong things. Even if I "let go" my past losses, I'll instead decide to focus on what I can't do. I can't go to the cinema with friends, can't afford a night out, can't pay those bills, and so forth. I recently sat my exams, and I had to look in all my bags, under the sofa, and anywhere else for £1. I didn't have ANY money anywhere. I maxed out borrowings from friends. My 10 credit cards were maxed and over the limit. Declined for all loans (even at 60% interest...), and I needed that £1 to be able to pay for parking to get to my exam! Thankfully I found my £1, but that's how close I was to not being able to sit my exams after 5 months of study. I don't want to be in a place in 2 years were I look back and regret the last two years. I may regret betting in the past, my debt position, or something else, but separating this from the 2 years, I want the next 2 years to give me some hope. And I don't want anyone to be in the position where you're having to search for £1 to live... Today I sit in front of three letters chasing for payment. My mortgage payment bounced from my account, as did my internet direct debit, as I have no money at all right now. My electricity payment is overdue and I'm being chased for payment and threatened with debt collectors. All this whilst my friends, with more modest jobs, are loving life, having that £10 to buy a round at the pub and have a laugh with friends. Those losses aren't important in life. They're gone. And life's tough when you're in debt. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. But I keep trying to gamble my way out. And this can't be the answer. It's not bad luck for losing, no matter what you tell yourself. I tried to do this at the weekend - I would have won £25k on an accumulator if Everton won against Bournemouth in the Premier League. Bournemouth scored in the 97th minute, when there were only 5 minutes of added time, which was the only leg I lost. Bad luck? No. That's betting. You win some, you lose some. But overall, you'll lose. No matter if you were a £1,000,000 up like me, or £50 up. If you keep going, it'll be lost - I promise you that. An emotive call for everyone reading this to learn from my pain. Let me be the example of what not to do, and focus instead on what's important in life. Honestly the long game is the way forward; building week by week. If I hadn't bet again I'd still be in heeps of trouble, but I could afford a beer with a friend to cheer me up. Instead I'm drinking water I got from work, on my own, typing this on an internet package which I can't afford to pay for. Where would you rather be?! So, who's with me on my 24 month journey? Feel free to set yourself a different goal - make it relevant and personal to you. Try to take the focus away from money, or when you will have repaid your debt. Such a financially focussed goal gets you thinking about money, which in turn makes you want to win it back (trust me!). Focus on something more emotive. Something that has a deeper meaning than money alone. And let that be your inspiration going forward. Let me know what journey's you're on, and we'll work on this together. Hey guys. Sorry it’s been a while. I’ve always tried to tell you all a little about me in the hope that it’ll help you connect to me and my story; so let me continue in that vein. I always wanted to keep this blog up; partly to help myself in my journey, but moreso because I’m so inspired by some of the messages I’ve got from you – that you really can connect to my story and, for some of you, it’s helping you in your own journey to recovery. Some bad news. I’m effectively back at day 1. Or at least there abouts. In some of my previous blogs I talked about being convinced I was an action gambler, and not an escapist gambler. My view on this may have changed somewhat in the last few months. Me and my girlfriend broke up a few months ago. We’d been together for a few years and she was, and still is, incredibly special and important to me. So us breaking up came as a massive shock to me, and my gambling no doubt has a part to play. This may not resonate with you all, but sometimes you can get so caught up in gambling, or so caught up in your own feelings, that you forget to see the signs that are right in front of you. Because of my gambling I go through days where I hate myself, where I feel guilty for letting people down, where I’m disappointed in myself, angry that I started gambling, relapsed or let it get out of control. There’s a mixture of feelings, but they seem to centre around MY thoughts. I got so caught in feeling sorry for myself that I became distant – from most things. I still go on with life as if everything was normal – the same activities, the same routines. But being wrapped up in my own thoughts led to me being distant or disconnected from everything else – less ambition, less dedication at work, and less love and affection for my girlfriend. I’m generally not good at opening up about things or talking about things. Something I’ll probably never feel comfortable with, no matter how much or how hard I try. This, coupled with my distance, was a contributing factor in our break up. I also found out my father has cancer – which came as a shock. Much like me, he would prefer to keep things to himself rather than scare or worry others. So, me and my brother only found out about him having cancer after he’d already had surgery and was going through the final recovery from skin grafts and use of chemotherapy gel. I ALWAYS want the money I’d lost back. I’d do something sensible with it. Fix the leaking gutter I have outside my house. Maybe for the first time paint the house. Pay for a language course or a computer course. Something useful. If ONLY I had that money back. This, coupled with the few things that have gone on recently in my life, turned me back to gambling and I’m back at day zero. I guess you were all hoping to see a gambler with a blog finally get the better of his addiction, so it could give you strength and so you could know it can be done. So you too can recover and let go of your gambling demons. Well, you can. I can. And we can – together. I have exams in less than 2 weeks, which I’m not at all prepared for, but I’m sat in bed at 1:30am, writing this blog entry rather than revising (or sleeping!), because I genuinely believe we can take strength from each other – and also learn from each other. Me being back at day zero may look bad. Or disappointing. But you can learn from relapsed. I talked about this in a previous blog post, and from every relapse I’ve learned something. From this one, it opened my eyes. I was slowly ticking along in life. Getting the day job done. Doing things I was comfortable with. Not really pushing myself to do too much – it was hard to find the motivation. But a gambling addiction doesn’t have to hold you back, or hold you down. I’m going to use it to inspire me to do things I may otherwise not have. So, I’m going to: - start running or going to the gym at least three times a week - start playing a new sport weekly – probably badminton (if I can get a badminton racket for Christmas!) - get my drive, determination and ambition for work back and try my best everyday to excel – rather than just ‘getting by’ - possibly start to learn something new – maybe a language – there are plenty of free online courses or libraries around, so it doesn’t have to cost the world Some of these things I’ve wanted to do, but I probably never would have done if I’m not in this situation. Why? Because with my annual holiday I’d probably be holiday with my friends. But I can’t afford that now, not for a while, so how about I use my time to do something useful. Turn what looks like, on a surface, a negative event (relapse), into something which can be so positive. If I’m super fit, or I can speak a language or learned something new in the next 2 or 3 years, then surely this is a good thing? And has it by inspired by something ‘bad’? I didn’t just gamble. But relapsed for what seems like the millionth time. How could anything good come from that? Well, the learning something or being fit isn’t what matters. Sure it’s a great side benefit – but the true benefit is that you would have been able to pick yourself up. To inspire yourself. To push yourself to do something great. All from a situation that could have gone in another direction entirely – like my initial reaction of losing my drive, ambition and then watching those closest to me walk out my life. And, if I can make something good happen from a relapse, imagine how good things can be in the future? Having a positive attitude will help me get through some tough times, but it should stay with me and shape part of who I am. It’s all a question of do we want to shape ourselves for the better, or for the worse. And even if it never seems like it, there are some positives that can come from this, even if there are times where it’s incredibly difficult to see. But, baby steps. One step at a time. And certainly one day at a time. I made the mistake of thinking too far ahead, and I’ll visit why in my next blog – most likely near the end of the month after exams. In the mean time – please do send me an e-mail to let me know how you’re getting on. I will read and respond to all e-mails; if some got lost in the last few months please do send me a chaser and lets reconnect. All the best, AGJ |
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