I quite often talk about the importance of reflection. I found myself reflecting on my experiences from gambling, and how in a way it’s made me grow as a person. Now it hasn’t been easy; gambling addiction impacts you in all sorts of way. As well as the financial problems, it leads to all sorts of stresses, impacts your personal relationships, can lead to anxiety, depression, and the list continues. However, I always try to take the positives from a bad situation, and that shouldn’t be any different with gambling. Whilst I can’t look back and say “hey, I learned how to stop gambling right away and everything was suddenly okay”, what I can do is reflect on how the experiences can help you in other ways. Take a difficult or stressful work situation; without my personal struggles I have no doubt that I’d find certain projects, meetings or situations incredibly stressful and difficult. But given all the personal struggles resulting from this addiction, the work issue really isn’t that huge in context. I suppose this contextualisation allows me to be much calmer and more level headed at work – it’s not that I discount the value of the work project of its importance, but the contextualisation allows me to act and behave in a way that would very probably be different if I hadn’t had my personal struggles. A gambling addiction has all sorts of negative impacts and I’ve found myself in the past focusing on all the bad. How much I’ve lost, what I could have done had I not lost the money, the things I can’t do because I have no money, how much interest I’m paying, how it distracts me from pretty much everything and the impact it has on my relationships. I suppose this is me trying to look through all of that to try to find a little bit of shining light in a world that addiction fills with darkness. When you can start trying to look through all the negatives, focus on the future instead of the past and stop rationalising why you lost money and how unlucky you were, you’re definitely taking a step in the right direction. Being able to then reflect on gambling and maybe, somewhere, somehow, find the one small positive that could have come from it, then you’re shifting your mindset to a growth mindset. At that point it becomes much easier to move forward, even with all the daily reminders of your past (the various letters chasing overdue debts!). Sorry it's been a while! I've mentioned before in my blog about controlling my addiction through keeping busy, and I've certainly been doing that! I've recently got a new job, so I'm throwing myself into that, and I'm also working a second job with all the spare hours in the day, just to keep a roof over my head. Life's hard, but I'm surviving, and I know lots of you are in the same place too.
I started this blog for two reasons: 1) to help document my progress, and 2) to share my stories in the hope they can help others too. On that note, I received an email last night that made me want to come back to my blog. The writer of the e-mail asked to remain anonymous, but they're in a similar place to how I started out gambling. Young, with a good job giving a decent amount of disposable income, who's had initial 'success' gambling. This then led to increasing levels of gambling, getting involved in online gambling, where money almost doesn't seem real. They lost money, won it back, gambled it down, and continued the cycle. This is always the hardest place to be in for any gambling addict: having 'success' with gambling. This person, like myself, appears to have continued 'success' at times i.e. being up. At various times in the past 10 years, I've been significantly down, but managed to borrow money, take out a payday loan, use my paycheck before my bills are taken from my account, and then managed to turn this money into more. I've been up. I've had success. I've been able to pay back some of my loans or some of my debts. At times, a significant chunk of them. At times, I've taken my money out, and I've paid off some of my debts, leaving some of the extra money I've won in my online account. But I then continue gambling, and eventually when I lose the money I leave in my account, I'll want to put some money back in, rationalising it by saying it's money I've won anyway. Even if I see some success with this, I'll eventually lose that and need to put more money in; before I know it, I've lost everything - the money I won is a distant memory. Taking a step back, you ask yourself, if I keep losing all my money eventually, what's the point in gambling at all? But you can't take a step back when you're caught up in chasing your losses. Your significant wins, or continued wins, give you confidence that you can win again. You just need to stop at that point. Take the money out. Pay off your debts. Unfortunately, experience tells me there's not a point at which you stop. You can set yourself a limit; win back £x or $y, win enough to pay off your debts. But as soon as you reach that, even if you stop for a while, eventually that confidence you have from your wins drives you to continue. To think you can win more. Pay off more debts. Have savings. You have the belief that you can make it happen again. 10 years on from my initial significant win, I still actually have these thoughts. And I've tried to repeat my success - all with the same result: ending up with nothing at the end of the run, whenever that might be. As 'successful' as I've been, or how 'good' I think I've been, the end result has been the same. That's hard to deal with, but equally it's my personality: it's addictive, I always want more and I always want to do better. The realisation for me is that no matter how much I win, it'll never be enough. Even if I get that one big win I'm hoping for, to pay off my debts and set me up for life, even if I promise myself I won't gamble it, the reality is that I will, eventually. That seems strange to say, because I always thought that I'm 'intelligent enough' to not fall into that problem; I won't make the same mistakes as other people, or I won't make the same mistakes myself again. It's not a question of intelligence though, it's being drawn in to online gambling, which is addictive, where you rationalise your behaviour no matter how absurd it seems afterwards, and where money doesn't feel real. Thanks for the e-mail recently, Mr Anonymous. You're not in this alone. It's difficult for us all and we're all finding ways to get through this addiction. If you still read my blog please do get in touch. I'd love to share more of my experiences with you in the coming weeks, months and years. It's a long journey, but one I genuinely feel like we can help each other through. Best, AGJ Christmas is always a tough time of year for those dealing with a gambling addiction; usually because there’s no money in the bank, no spare amounts on credit cards, overdue bills to pay, yet you’re expected to join in for work drinks, buy Christmas presents, and be a little indulgent. I remember last year was a real struggle; I have around 15 to 20 credit cards, and the most I had spare on any of them was less than £5. Therefore I couldn’t actually buy anyone what they put on their Christmas lists – I had to buy various small items. Really annoying when places run promotions where you get free delivery or a free gift if you spend a certain amount of money! But now I reflect, and remember that Christmas is about seeing your friends and family and your loved ones. It doesn’t have to be expensive; you can make Christmas cards rather than buying them and you can use old Christmas cards to make wrapping paper, or use an old box and decorate it with pictures & colours. Sure, it’s not traditional, but it actually shows some thought and effort and people always appreciate that. What’s the point in following the crowd, anyway? It’s also easily to feel lonely at Christmas – all your friends might be out for drinks or dinner, but you just can’t afford to go. You can’t afford to go into London to go to the Christmas market, because it’s just too expensive. But why not use that time for your DIY cards/wrapping paper? I find that whilst friends and family will go to some places that’s just too expensive for me to go to, they’re also around at home an awful lot too, I just found myself concentrating on what I can’t do, rather than focussing on what I can. And that’s a small mind-set shift. There’s something called meta-programmes in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), which help explain how we tend to think about situations. We all have a natural way of thinking about things, but we can learn to understand this and tap into it. Take work, for example. If I were to ask you why you work, you may decide to say “because I have to. Because I need the money. To keep a roof over my head”. All very true, and valid, points. But you could also say “because I get to learn new things. I get to try for promotion which gives me a feeling of achievement. I get to socialise and talk to colleagues. I get to test myself and push myself by doing important presentations”. Or maybe simply that you get free coffee and cake. These are two different mind-sets all around the same thing: work. Let’s apply the same thing to Christmas; I always used to dwell on what I couldn’t do, the struggles, how I’d be in a much better position if I hadn’t gambled and didn’t have all of this debt. But why not try to shift this mind-set slightly, by looking at the good things – time to relax, time with family and friends, and possibly a few days off work too. It’s easier said than done, of course, but maybe if you catch yourself looking at the negative side of things, you could make a subtle change in your way of thinking and it may just make this period a whole load easier! Scroll down the page a little bit, and you’ll see I set myself a challenge of not gambling for 24 months – with good reasons and the best intentions. I’m a fair chunk of the way through that 24 months now, but my clock reset, and I’m back trying to build up the number of months I’ve been gamble free! In my most recent post, I said about taking things one step at a time – setting small, achievable goals that all contribute towards a bigger ambition. Clearly my approach back in 2016 was at odds with what I’m trying to do now! And it seems like a very small change, a change where you’re still trying to achieve the same end goal, but in your mind you focus on a shorter, rather than a longer, period. Can this really work?! Your mind is an incredibly powerful tool; it’s what got us addicted to gambling in the first place. And we got addicted from an initial bet, or some initial success. At that stage we never thought we’d end up where we are. And your subconscious has a lot to answer for – that part of the brain that’s making decisions and pointing us in a certain direction without us necessarily knowing it. I quite enjoy running (well I enjoy the feeling after I’ve finished, more so than when I’m actually running!), and some of you may be able to relate to this analogy… Whenever I’m running, I’ll usually set myself an overall goal. This could be to run a certain distance, which for me is to run say 5k or 10k, but you may also want to run a half marathon or a marathon. Or you may also have a time goal; to run for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, or maybe for 1 hour. When I’m actually running, I try to put all of my effort into it and see it as an objective to run faster or farther than before, and as such there are various points during the run where I think how nice it’d be to just stop! However, what keeps me going is that I break the run down into small achievable parts. If I’m running 20 minutes, I aim to get to 5 mins, and then from there to run 3 more mins to 8 mins, and then get to 12 mins, 15 mins, 18 mins and then finally to 20 mins. I break down my run into small achievable parts; I don’t think about the 20 minutes necessarily – I know I need to get there, but my goals are to reach the next milestone. By doing this, I can focus on just a few minutes, and once I achieve that, I then focus on the next few minutes. Small, realistic, achievable goals. I never think about the 20 minutes; when I’m running and get to 5 minutes, if I think that there are still 15 minutes to go and I’m out of breath, it’s really hard to keep going. But if I tell myself the next milestone is 3 minutes away, and keep building it up that way, it really helps me. It appears the same is true for gambling; instead of working out how many months I need or want to be gamble free, I’m focusing on small, achievable parts. My next goals is to reach the end of November, and thereafter my goal is to focus on reaching the 17th December (5 month gamble free anniversary), and then to reach Christmas. Sure, I’d love to be gamble free for 10 years or more, and by then I may be out of debt, but I’m not thinking that far ahead. It’s too far away and brings negative or unwelcome thoughts. These more achievable goals I’ve been setting are helping me bit by bit, little by little, and I hope they may help you too. Please do share with me your own reflections; what you’ve learned from relapses and how you may be doing things differently this time. All the best, AGJ I've often looked at the level of my debt and felt nothing but despair. Other times I've tried to think more positively, and treat it as a challenge, a challenge to pay the whole amount off and think what an achievement that would be. The problem with that is I've then found myself drawn back in trying to repay the debt through gambling. It's not necessarily the chasing losses part, at least that's not how it starts out. It starts with the best intentions; gambling a little bit, not on any 'silly' bets, but on 'sensible' bets at smallish amounts to allow me to pay that bill or minimum credit card payment, which I wouldn't be able to pay off otherwise. Whilst I start with the best intentions, I then find myself thinking about ALL of my debt. Thinking how difficult it is, how much interest I'm paying each month, how I need to work two jobs and each month after interest payments I'm hardly even making a dent in the capital I still need to repay. Before I know it, I'm then gambling with bigger amounts. A few wins, or a few losses, and I'm back into the swing of gambling; amounts won or lost just become numbers on a screen and I'll keep gambling until I have nothing left. Various times over the past 10 years I've won enough to pay the minimum payment on a card, in fact even pay off that whole card, and various others. Much more than I originally set out to do when I got back into the 'sensible bets' on gambling. But not matter how much I end up winning, it's not enough to pay off the whole amount of debt. Even if it was, at that stage I'd start thinking about all the interest paid over time, the amount of capital I lost, and thus I'd chase my losses. Even if I win those losses back, I'd keep gambling. I mean, that's how I got into this mess in the first place, so why would it be any different this time?! Thinking through this thought process helped me come to two realisations. Two realisations that seem straightforward, logical and common sense. But two that I have actually really started to believe, rather than just thinking I believed. 1) short term thinking - the power of incrementalism Don't think about how long it'll take to repay your debts - I always used to say it'd take 5 years, or 7 years, or 10 years to repay all my debt. That didn't help; it made me want to resolve that problem quickly and made me turn to gambling as the quick fix. Whilst it may take a long time, I've now set myself short term achievable goals. Get to the end of the month without gambling; pay the minimum payments on cards and £20 capital on another card. Get another card to drop down from say £530 to £499, so now it's in the four hundreds rather than five hundreds. Small, achievable goals and steps. And although if you do catch yourself thinking longer term, such that this will take 20 years to repay, just think that step by step you are getting there. You are repaying debt. You are not gambling. You are getting closer to more financial choice and on the road to financial freedom, no matter how long and difficult that road may be, you're on it. 2) a quick term fix isn't the right fix - resetting expectations and facing into the true consequences of your decisions When I'm gambling, if I have access to money, I always feel like I'm in with a shot of winning more money. Even if I have lost £100k, I think if I have a credit card with £5k on it, I still have a chance. And it doesn't really sink in what or how much I've lost until I literally don't have any pennies I can use for gambling. It never seems to sink in properly before that. And there's a parallel in the way I think about my gambling debt; I always think there will be a way I can pay it off more quickly than I should. Maybe I win a scratch card, the lottery, win big gambling, get lucky in a prize draw. No matter what it is, until recently I always had hope of a quick resolution. Facing into the fact that there's no quick fix is something that's only just dawned on me. Seems strange that after 10 years I'm only just facing into this now, but since when have gambling addicts always been completely rational? Realising there is no quick fix, and managing this through short term, achievable goals (be that financial or otherwise) is something that's really helped me to keep going, to be gamble free for the last 4 and a but months. It all seems quite simple really, but for me it wasn't. I still held on hope that my problems would go away, and I've only just now had the realisation that that isn't going to be the case. Maybe it's the first time I've been truly honest with myself. It's been a while since my last post; and I'm happy to say I've found some success (so far at least!). I haven't gambled since my last post back in July, which makes it about 4 months since I last gambled. The three things we should initially look at when we want to stop ourselves gambling are: 1) time; 2) access; and 3) money I've been trying to keep myself particularly busy recently, essentially by working a second job, which is the reason I get less time than I'd like talking to people like you and posting on this blog. The second job means that I don't have an awful lot of spare time. It's not that I used to sit indoors and do nothing before: I already had a demanding job, I play for two football teams, I run, play sports, and so on. However, there were times where I'd have some time in the evening, and rather than doing one of the many 'admin jobs' there was to do, I instead found myself checking football or tennis scores. And before I knew it, I was trying to sign up to whatever brand new gambling sites had set up in the last month I could register with that I wasn't blocked/self excluded from, and I think we all know where it ends (even if we tell ourselves if we get a win we'd do something differently this time around!) There'a also a new tool to use with GAMSTOP, which uses your e-mail address to automatically self-exclude you from a wide range of online betting sites. More importantly, it's FREE! I've always been told I could/should use some of the paid gambling blocking software, but money was so tight, that I can't really afford to be spending money on these things. Friends, colleagues, counsellors had always said "think how much you could lose if you gamble again, you should spend this money on the software to help you". However when you have overdue debts coming out of your ears, can't make minimum payments, getting payment demands through, can't afford the food shop that week, it's incredibly hard to just say "yeah sure, why don't I invest in that now as it'll help me in the future". It's just not that easy. Don't get me wrong, the paid for software can be particularly helpful for some people and it certainly helps to address part 2) above, in limiting your access to gambling sites. I just always feel there's a work around given how often we upgrade our phones, have access to iPads, PCs, laptops, and so forth. This free software allows you to block your e-mail addresses, so no matter what device you use you can't sign into any main betting sites with those e-mail addresses. Sure, there's a workaround, but you need to be thinking about entering all of your sign in information, and also need to go through the personal identification checks at the new sites / new sign ups, and thus there's lots more to do before you can get that gambling fix. Hopefully that time allows for some reflection, where that immediate urge or need we get to gamble sometimes can dissipate. By making it that bit harder to gamble, and especially to gamble when we get the urge, hopefully it allows us to regain some rationality, before we start rationalising the irrational thoughts that come over us all, such as 'this time will be the time' or 'this time I'll win a bit and take i out'. History has certainly told me that no matter how much I win right now, I will undoubtedly end the day, week or month wit nothing. Please do reflect on your own experiences; think back to when you've gambled before, and think what's driven it. Whilst we all have our own triggers, be that chasing losses, escaping personal loss or other personal problems, there needs to be all three components explained above to allow our gambling addictions to overcome us. How can you limit your access to gambling sites, to money, or to time, and which one is likely to be most effective for you? Please do use the contact me button for anyone who wishes to get in contact - I will be checking more regularly as this blog is something that really helps me, and I hope it helps at least someone else out there too. All the best, AGJ I've just realised it's been around 19 months since my last blog post. Which in the main, has been good news for me. I've had some good periods of not gambling, and managed to bring some of my debt down. The secret? The key things for me were:
The bad news? I lost sight of what I learned above. I didn't keep myself as busy, and I thought after all this time a small bet on a site for the World Cup wouldn't be a bad thing. That I'd be able to control myself now. What I've learned is that I'll never be able to put on a small bet. I'll never be satisfied with it. I'll always have dreams of winning over half a million pounds and having the money I won way back when, when I started on this journey. Today is again day 0 for me. But I have trust that if I continue with my three steps above, I'll again rebuild my life and finally become gamble free. The truth for me is that I can't ever go back to gambling - I can never think I can have a 'cheeky' bet, or that I can just spend a little amount - I clearly can't. And I need to remember that, always. Sorry for my absence. I hope everyone is doing well. It's been a while since I've spoken to a number of people who follow my blog, and I'd love to hear your stories. Success stories, troubles, questions - please get in contact and share. I found talking to many of you really useful previously and this helped me become gamble free for the longest period in over 5 years. All the best, AGJ For those of you thay have seen the comments on the last entry, Joe has a point. Sometimes we need to do things differently if the resutls aren't working - else we're entering the realms of insanity!
It's different for all of us. Sometimes we gamble to win money back. Sometimes to pass time. Sometimes because we feel we need to - how else do we pay all those overdue bills? But I've now started a diary of days I haven't gambled for, it' my new years resolution, and I'm determined to stick to it. In essence nothing drastic is changing, but a slight mindset change. Taking things one day at a time, ticking off those days, and trying to forget about all those money problems. In the long run gambling won't help, so I need to get myself playing the long game - as much as I don't want to admit that. I've not been on holiday for a number of years and, in all honestly, if you add up the amount I've lost each week, I could've put that to good use to actually go somewhere (in reality, to pay off bills!). However, I've two tentative holidays booked this year. One in March, one in May/June. Neither are going to be massively expensive, just for 5 days to a week, but if I can keep gamble free between now and those dates, I'll reward myself with a holiday. If not, I won't be able to afford to go anyway and I'll have to not go. Let's see how far I get. I'm counting the 31/12/16 as the official 1st day of this challenge - it'll take me a good few years to pay off the debts, but step 1 is March, step 2 is May, and step 3 is July. I've promised myself this year, in 2017, I won't let gambling defeat me. Who's with me?! It's weird to read back on my own posts, but it's great it's here. It's a reminder that life isn't always as straight forward as you may think.
Over the past 12 months, I've stayed single, I haven't been promoted at work, and I'm still in as much trouble as I was 12 months ago. I guess a very different me to 2 years ago, where I had a nice, loving girlfriend and where I was super ambitious about work and progressing. It's so hard to find the motivation when everything else seems to be going against you. Over the past 12 months I've written down plans to stop, how I'll get myself out of it, what I'll do for it to be different this time - but none of them have worked. I've just got off a site where I stayed up to 12:30am as my paycheck comes in at that time for the month, just so I can use the money before all the credit card companies and everyone else starts trying to collect my money. I haven't paid my parents the monthly loan amount back for the money the leant me for my house, I missed my mortgage payment, and I missed a whole load of card payments (again!) and I'm over all of my credit limits. 10 missed calls a day from various credit card / mortgage companies and various letters with demands coming through the door... But you know what, I think we've all been in this place. It's tough, it's easy to be down, easy to be disheartened. But if we can come back from this, what a strength of character that would be. That would be truly special and would say a lot about us - and the almightly struggle that it will be - will feel ever sweeter when we get there. I'm another year on, I'm not gamble free, I'm in more trouble than ever. But tomorrow is day 0. Christmas Eve. I need to take it one step at a time and not focus on the long run - that'll come - by day-by-day building blocks are essential. I'm reading a new book around changing habits - how our brain works, what habits it picks up, and how we can start to overwrite those old, learned habits and replace them with new ones. I'll share a few stories here in due course (when I'm not up at 4am because I've been gambling again all night...). Out of interest, if you're still reading this blog or any of this resonates with you, please do leave me a comment or drop me an e-mail. It's been a while since I've updated this - I'd like to get back to it - and share some of our journies and challenges together. No one said it's easy to get over gambling. Many of us have been trying over and over again to give up this addiction, but an addiction is exactly what it is. I'm posting this on 30 November, but let's call it 1 December 2015. Day 1 again. I'm going to set myself a target - 24 months gamble free. This won't allow me to be debt free, but it'll certainly help. Why 2 years then? One of my best friends and I had always said we'd go to the 2014 Brazil World Cup. He grew up in Brazil before moving to the UK, where I met him at school. Ever since the World Cup was going to be in Brazil, we said we'd go. He was planning on going with a bunch of Uni mates too, and I was in a good job with a good income, easily saving a thousand pound a month. In theory, I had plenty of money. Living at home, expensing the majority of my food and travel from working away from home, it was easy to save the majority of my pay packet. When my friend spoke to me about booking Brazil, it was in December 2013. Some of his uni friends couldn't afford to fly out to Brazil; the costs for flights and hotels sky rocketed for the World Cup period! But nevertheless, him and another friend were booking flights and tickets, and up he popped on Facebook with the details. At this point I had to break to him, after years of saying we'd do it, I couldn't afford it - I'd turned to gambling, and I was in massive financial trouble. His words back to me were 'you were the one person who I thought would always come because you could afford it'!. I felt I let him down, our friendship down, and I'd missed out on a fantastic opportunity to go and see some of the world, and see where my friend grew up! That was 2 years ago, and here I am still - day 1 again. Letting everyone down, or at least that's what it feels like. So, that's where my 24 months comes from - I can look back 2 years and remember that conversation. Looking forward 2 years, I don't want to be in the same place. I want to be able to say 2 years gamble free. Not debt free, but on the road to recovery, and debt free will come in time. My problem is that I always focus on the wrong things. Even if I "let go" my past losses, I'll instead decide to focus on what I can't do. I can't go to the cinema with friends, can't afford a night out, can't pay those bills, and so forth. I recently sat my exams, and I had to look in all my bags, under the sofa, and anywhere else for £1. I didn't have ANY money anywhere. I maxed out borrowings from friends. My 10 credit cards were maxed and over the limit. Declined for all loans (even at 60% interest...), and I needed that £1 to be able to pay for parking to get to my exam! Thankfully I found my £1, but that's how close I was to not being able to sit my exams after 5 months of study. I don't want to be in a place in 2 years were I look back and regret the last two years. I may regret betting in the past, my debt position, or something else, but separating this from the 2 years, I want the next 2 years to give me some hope. And I don't want anyone to be in the position where you're having to search for £1 to live... Today I sit in front of three letters chasing for payment. My mortgage payment bounced from my account, as did my internet direct debit, as I have no money at all right now. My electricity payment is overdue and I'm being chased for payment and threatened with debt collectors. All this whilst my friends, with more modest jobs, are loving life, having that £10 to buy a round at the pub and have a laugh with friends. Those losses aren't important in life. They're gone. And life's tough when you're in debt. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. But I keep trying to gamble my way out. And this can't be the answer. It's not bad luck for losing, no matter what you tell yourself. I tried to do this at the weekend - I would have won £25k on an accumulator if Everton won against Bournemouth in the Premier League. Bournemouth scored in the 97th minute, when there were only 5 minutes of added time, which was the only leg I lost. Bad luck? No. That's betting. You win some, you lose some. But overall, you'll lose. No matter if you were a £1,000,000 up like me, or £50 up. If you keep going, it'll be lost - I promise you that. An emotive call for everyone reading this to learn from my pain. Let me be the example of what not to do, and focus instead on what's important in life. Honestly the long game is the way forward; building week by week. If I hadn't bet again I'd still be in heeps of trouble, but I could afford a beer with a friend to cheer me up. Instead I'm drinking water I got from work, on my own, typing this on an internet package which I can't afford to pay for. Where would you rather be?! So, who's with me on my 24 month journey? Feel free to set yourself a different goal - make it relevant and personal to you. Try to take the focus away from money, or when you will have repaid your debt. Such a financially focussed goal gets you thinking about money, which in turn makes you want to win it back (trust me!). Focus on something more emotive. Something that has a deeper meaning than money alone. And let that be your inspiration going forward. Let me know what journey's you're on, and we'll work on this together. |
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