Sorry it's been a while! I've mentioned before in my blog about controlling my addiction through keeping busy, and I've certainly been doing that! I've recently got a new job, so I'm throwing myself into that, and I'm also working a second job with all the spare hours in the day, just to keep a roof over my head. Life's hard, but I'm surviving, and I know lots of you are in the same place too.
I started this blog for two reasons: 1) to help document my progress, and 2) to share my stories in the hope they can help others too. On that note, I received an email last night that made me want to come back to my blog. The writer of the e-mail asked to remain anonymous, but they're in a similar place to how I started out gambling. Young, with a good job giving a decent amount of disposable income, who's had initial 'success' gambling. This then led to increasing levels of gambling, getting involved in online gambling, where money almost doesn't seem real. They lost money, won it back, gambled it down, and continued the cycle. This is always the hardest place to be in for any gambling addict: having 'success' with gambling. This person, like myself, appears to have continued 'success' at times i.e. being up. At various times in the past 10 years, I've been significantly down, but managed to borrow money, take out a payday loan, use my paycheck before my bills are taken from my account, and then managed to turn this money into more. I've been up. I've had success. I've been able to pay back some of my loans or some of my debts. At times, a significant chunk of them. At times, I've taken my money out, and I've paid off some of my debts, leaving some of the extra money I've won in my online account. But I then continue gambling, and eventually when I lose the money I leave in my account, I'll want to put some money back in, rationalising it by saying it's money I've won anyway. Even if I see some success with this, I'll eventually lose that and need to put more money in; before I know it, I've lost everything - the money I won is a distant memory. Taking a step back, you ask yourself, if I keep losing all my money eventually, what's the point in gambling at all? But you can't take a step back when you're caught up in chasing your losses. Your significant wins, or continued wins, give you confidence that you can win again. You just need to stop at that point. Take the money out. Pay off your debts. Unfortunately, experience tells me there's not a point at which you stop. You can set yourself a limit; win back £x or $y, win enough to pay off your debts. But as soon as you reach that, even if you stop for a while, eventually that confidence you have from your wins drives you to continue. To think you can win more. Pay off more debts. Have savings. You have the belief that you can make it happen again. 10 years on from my initial significant win, I still actually have these thoughts. And I've tried to repeat my success - all with the same result: ending up with nothing at the end of the run, whenever that might be. As 'successful' as I've been, or how 'good' I think I've been, the end result has been the same. That's hard to deal with, but equally it's my personality: it's addictive, I always want more and I always want to do better. The realisation for me is that no matter how much I win, it'll never be enough. Even if I get that one big win I'm hoping for, to pay off my debts and set me up for life, even if I promise myself I won't gamble it, the reality is that I will, eventually. That seems strange to say, because I always thought that I'm 'intelligent enough' to not fall into that problem; I won't make the same mistakes as other people, or I won't make the same mistakes myself again. It's not a question of intelligence though, it's being drawn in to online gambling, which is addictive, where you rationalise your behaviour no matter how absurd it seems afterwards, and where money doesn't feel real. Thanks for the e-mail recently, Mr Anonymous. You're not in this alone. It's difficult for us all and we're all finding ways to get through this addiction. If you still read my blog please do get in touch. I'd love to share more of my experiences with you in the coming weeks, months and years. It's a long journey, but one I genuinely feel like we can help each other through. Best, AGJ
Tanya
8/3/2020 04:02:02 pm
Hi AGJ,
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorFind out more about me here.
|