Hey guys. Sorry it’s been a while. I’ve always tried to tell you all a little about me in the hope that it’ll help you connect to me and my story; so let me continue in that vein. I always wanted to keep this blog up; partly to help myself in my journey, but moreso because I’m so inspired by some of the messages I’ve got from you – that you really can connect to my story and, for some of you, it’s helping you in your own journey to recovery. Some bad news. I’m effectively back at day 1. Or at least there abouts. In some of my previous blogs I talked about being convinced I was an action gambler, and not an escapist gambler. My view on this may have changed somewhat in the last few months. Me and my girlfriend broke up a few months ago. We’d been together for a few years and she was, and still is, incredibly special and important to me. So us breaking up came as a massive shock to me, and my gambling no doubt has a part to play. This may not resonate with you all, but sometimes you can get so caught up in gambling, or so caught up in your own feelings, that you forget to see the signs that are right in front of you. Because of my gambling I go through days where I hate myself, where I feel guilty for letting people down, where I’m disappointed in myself, angry that I started gambling, relapsed or let it get out of control. There’s a mixture of feelings, but they seem to centre around MY thoughts. I got so caught in feeling sorry for myself that I became distant – from most things. I still go on with life as if everything was normal – the same activities, the same routines. But being wrapped up in my own thoughts led to me being distant or disconnected from everything else – less ambition, less dedication at work, and less love and affection for my girlfriend. I’m generally not good at opening up about things or talking about things. Something I’ll probably never feel comfortable with, no matter how much or how hard I try. This, coupled with my distance, was a contributing factor in our break up. I also found out my father has cancer – which came as a shock. Much like me, he would prefer to keep things to himself rather than scare or worry others. So, me and my brother only found out about him having cancer after he’d already had surgery and was going through the final recovery from skin grafts and use of chemotherapy gel. I ALWAYS want the money I’d lost back. I’d do something sensible with it. Fix the leaking gutter I have outside my house. Maybe for the first time paint the house. Pay for a language course or a computer course. Something useful. If ONLY I had that money back. This, coupled with the few things that have gone on recently in my life, turned me back to gambling and I’m back at day zero. I guess you were all hoping to see a gambler with a blog finally get the better of his addiction, so it could give you strength and so you could know it can be done. So you too can recover and let go of your gambling demons. Well, you can. I can. And we can – together. I have exams in less than 2 weeks, which I’m not at all prepared for, but I’m sat in bed at 1:30am, writing this blog entry rather than revising (or sleeping!), because I genuinely believe we can take strength from each other – and also learn from each other. Me being back at day zero may look bad. Or disappointing. But you can learn from relapsed. I talked about this in a previous blog post, and from every relapse I’ve learned something. From this one, it opened my eyes. I was slowly ticking along in life. Getting the day job done. Doing things I was comfortable with. Not really pushing myself to do too much – it was hard to find the motivation. But a gambling addiction doesn’t have to hold you back, or hold you down. I’m going to use it to inspire me to do things I may otherwise not have. So, I’m going to: - start running or going to the gym at least three times a week - start playing a new sport weekly – probably badminton (if I can get a badminton racket for Christmas!) - get my drive, determination and ambition for work back and try my best everyday to excel – rather than just ‘getting by’ - possibly start to learn something new – maybe a language – there are plenty of free online courses or libraries around, so it doesn’t have to cost the world Some of these things I’ve wanted to do, but I probably never would have done if I’m not in this situation. Why? Because with my annual holiday I’d probably be holiday with my friends. But I can’t afford that now, not for a while, so how about I use my time to do something useful. Turn what looks like, on a surface, a negative event (relapse), into something which can be so positive. If I’m super fit, or I can speak a language or learned something new in the next 2 or 3 years, then surely this is a good thing? And has it by inspired by something ‘bad’? I didn’t just gamble. But relapsed for what seems like the millionth time. How could anything good come from that? Well, the learning something or being fit isn’t what matters. Sure it’s a great side benefit – but the true benefit is that you would have been able to pick yourself up. To inspire yourself. To push yourself to do something great. All from a situation that could have gone in another direction entirely – like my initial reaction of losing my drive, ambition and then watching those closest to me walk out my life. And, if I can make something good happen from a relapse, imagine how good things can be in the future? Having a positive attitude will help me get through some tough times, but it should stay with me and shape part of who I am. It’s all a question of do we want to shape ourselves for the better, or for the worse. And even if it never seems like it, there are some positives that can come from this, even if there are times where it’s incredibly difficult to see. But, baby steps. One step at a time. And certainly one day at a time. I made the mistake of thinking too far ahead, and I’ll visit why in my next blog – most likely near the end of the month after exams. In the mean time – please do send me an e-mail to let me know how you’re getting on. I will read and respond to all e-mails; if some got lost in the last few months please do send me a chaser and lets reconnect. All the best, AGJ
Scouser29
13/11/2015 10:24:42 am
Hi I've been very interested in your blog, I've been gambling for thirty years, since I was a kid I would gamble my pocket money on a flick of a coin or fruit machines in the chippy, then it gradually got worse over the years. I am a stop, start gambler were I won't gamble for months then bang go nuts for a few weeks and lose thousands like I did last week. For me gambling is like u all about the money and winning more or winning it back. At the moment I'm not gambling but the pain of wat I owe is making me think about it. Just one big win I've done it before I'm thinking. But we all know theres alot of greed and u want more and that's fatal Comments are closed.
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