So, here I am. My first blog. And hopefully the last time I'll ever bet. But I seem to have said the same thing all too often over the past few years.
Again today I got THAT feeling. When the realisation that you lost your last bet sinks in. That you have no money and no access to cash to be able to win back those losses. And then I remembered all those bills I promised to pay this month which I now have nothing left to pay them with. Up until that final loss I always think I’ll be okay. That I’ll win the next bet, and the next one. That I’ll take some money out my account to pay those bills after a couple of wins. But no matter how many bets I win, how much money I win, I always want more. Ultimately the only thing this always leaves me with is nothing. Nothing other than a horrible sinking feeling. A feeling where I just want to be sucked into a hole that I can hide in forever and never come out of. Because if I do, I’ll realise I’ve let down the friends and family that trusted me to never bet again. Those friends that leant their hard earned money for me to pay some of those otherwise unpayable bills. I’ll realise I still have a problem. An addiction. And admitting this problem, whilst an important step, won’t help me pay the pile of unpaid bills that still sit by the door mat. Needless to say, I’ve struggled with a gambling addition over the past few years. Apparently saying that out loud or admitting that to friends or family is supposed to be a step in the right direction. To be able to admit and recognise you have a problem. To want to do something about it. But that hasn’t worked for me. I have a deep belief that I’m able to spot that one bet that everyone has missed, with the odds that will allow me to put down a ‘risk free’ bet. To allow me to meet those interest payments on the credit card this month. To start paying off some of those credit cards or the friends that have lent me money. Whenever I lose, I put this down to the fact I was unlucky. My biggest ever bet, which I lost, I attributed to a spot of bad luck (see ‘The Man Behind the Journey’ section for further details). More than a spot of bad lucky actually…significantly bad luck. My luck had to turn at some point, right? A few years on, I’ve kept the same mentality. That I can win back my money. Or at least enough to pay a few bills. And sometimes I’ve done well. I’ve doubled £100 which would allow me to pay off a few bills. I’ve turned £100 into £1,000 to pay off some credit interest. I’ve even turned £100 into £10,000 on a number of occasions. But no matter how much I go on to win, I’ve always ended up losing it. And because of the few odd wins, I think I can do this every pay day. Every day I have an hour to myself, home alone, with some time to spare. The majority of the time I lose the £100, £200, £1,000 on the first few bets. Even if I do win initially, I need to recognise that no matter what I tell myself, I AM going to lose that money. And that’s the purpose of this first blog entry. To remind myself of that horrible feeling. Of the people I’ve let down – including myself. To put in writing that no matter how much I win, if it’s through gambling, I will always end up losing it. That my belief that I can always win or spot a ‘risk free’ bet is unfounded. That it will take a very long time to pay off my debts naturally – there will be a lot of hard months to come. But that gambling is not, and can never be, the answer to my gambling problem. As logical as the last sentence is, I always fail to remember it… Leave a Reply. |
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