Day 2. I’ve been here a lot. Mainly because I tend to relapse and end up back on day 1. In my first blog, I talked about ‘that’ feeling which I get when I lose my final bet. I’m not sure if everyone else is that same, but do you tend to find yourself being overly optimistic? That you believe you’ll find your way out of trouble. That you need to spend that last credit you have on a sure bet as that’ll kick start your revival? In the build up to the last few points in a tennis match, or the last few minutes of a football game, I start to breathe heavily, my heart pumps harder and harder, and I can’t concentrate on anything other than the game (or usually the ‘in-play’ screen on a mobile app, so I’m not even watching the actual game itself!). If the bet comes in, and it’s been a close match, for all of about 10 seconds I’m excited, I’m happy, I’m joyful. But after that, my attention turns to the next bet. On what next to win more money. What I find particularly strange is the feeling for bets that aren’t close, but that I win. The football match that’s a 3-0 win, or the straight sets tennis match where the person I’ve bet on hasn’t even faced a single break point. For these wins, even if it’s a £50,000 win, there’s about half a second of excitement when the final result comes in. But the overarching feeling is neutral. That I knew I was going to win that bet. That I SHOULD have won that bet. No real excitement, no joy. On to the next bet that I must win to be able to pay the bills. To be able to survive. To remind myself of these feelings as a visual representation, I have created the following chart. It’s not based on any formal statistics or anything like that; it’s simply a rough estimate of the ‘power’ of the feelings I go through following different betting outcomes. I define power as the length of time I have the feeling for and how ‘strong’ that feeling it – how does it affect me, overcome me, or how is it able to distract me from other things. I think having no joy, but a horrible sinking feeling for any loss, is self-explanatory. The same is true for the final loss, meaning the last cash or credit you have available to bet. Although any loss is bad, you still feel you can win this back, and therefore when you lose your last bet the realisation of what you’ve done, and that you can’t dig yourself out of the problem, really sets in. For an easy win, the horrible feeling is still greater than the joy. I knew I was going to win, but I HAD to. I HAD to win to pay back some of my debts that I’ve got myself in. I’m still in debt overall, and remembering this means that the joy doesn’t outweigh the sadness. For a close win, I lose focus on everything else. I forget, in part, that I’m in lots of debt. I focus on this one bet. When I win, I’m so happy, so excited, so relieved. And that feeling of relief outweighs the sadness. I think ‘what if’ I had lost. I’d have no money. I wouldn’t be able to pay those bills. Thank you gambling gods for letting this bet come in. But the joy is short lived. For 10 seconds I’d say the above graph is correct. Thereafter, I’m back to thinking about the debt I’m in and the problems I have, and as such, over any long period, this is probably a more true reflection: I wanted to include the visual representations so every time I think about gambling again, I can refer back here, and remember the extent of the low feeling, without having to actually go through it and suffer it again (or at least here's hoping). Does anyone else have similar feelings, or is this just me? Let me know your thoughts below:
John
4/6/2015 01:37:13 am
Hi. I am also a professional, in day 29 of recovery after another relapse. I am a very well paid person, Phd, but I am in a similar financial situation. You can read about my recovery and relapse at my blog. I have stopped this now and post on the Gamcare site.
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jennie
4/6/2015 05:51:34 am
i can so relate to your blog. although i dont earn the money you do, i gamble above my means and have been left in a similar situation. the way you describe winning easily is spot on. i almost feel like i became addicted to losing rather than just gambling alone. its as though we enjoy the feeling of losing everything. the feeling of hoplesness and wondering what we are going to do next. none of it makes any sense. i have realised that my lifestyle has been a major factor in my gambling. my partner, or now ex partner could not forgive me for gambling. i used his bank card about 3 years ago to continue gambling online, which was absolutely terrible. i justified it at the time that some of the money in the account was mine but there was still no excuse and i went on to spend way more than was mine. instead of walking however however, he has bullied and belittled me since. h has given me no financial support and thrreatened daily to tell everyone of my problem. well, i finally decided enough is enough. iv secured my own tenancy in a beautiful location and got the keys yesterday. iv realised in order for me to recover i must be forgiven and i cant live in the past. im leaving a home which is mortgaged but we own to rented LA accomodation but i dont care. its beautiful and its mine. apologies for the long rant, its just nice to get off my chest with someone that understands x
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Zak
4/6/2015 11:32:37 am
Hey man, I'm so glad to hit your site. June 4th (today) is my day 0 again. Like you, been here many hundreds of times and probably racking up similar figures. It seems so surreal and unnatural when you are in remission that this could ever happened.
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